The tummy pain is back with a vengeance… almost to pre-surgery levels.  It’s stopping me from doing things.  I hate that.

I haven’t been to the gym in WEEKS.  I haven’t trained, haven’t done weights, haven’t been to a SINGLE class.  Ugh.  And you know what? Not only do I feel awful, my skin has gone really ratty too.  Who knew that even my SKIN was benefiting from exercise? I know it makes sense, skin being the largest organ, etc, but sheesh!

(Fortunately when I was at the GPs today to get a coupla new scripts and a referral to Yet Another Expensive Doctor, I jumped on the scales: 98 kg.  I honestly thought that I would have been back over the 100kg mark, what with not worrying about calories AT ALL while I was away, and not going to work out. )

I have done no sewing.  Not even tracing patterns.  Or finishing off a dress that only needs armhole and neck bindings and a hem to make it wearable.

I have managed a small amount of house cleaning, though.  I get tired of living in my mess every so often and then tend to overdo things (does that sound familiar to anyone else?) so I’m limiting myself to half an hour a day of solid housework.

Mr Beloved, Constance J. Woodle, Miss Kit Tern and the birdies are all well, if slightly bored by my constant whining about my tummy hurting.

We watched a documentary yesterday about guitars (Mr Beloved is a talented muso, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that? All self taught, and very fond of experimental music and mucking about on guitars) and he said:”Do you think I would be less depressed if I played more often?”

Um.

Do you think *I* would be less depressed if I actually sewed/made art more often?

Um.

It’s all about balance, isn’t it?

balancing act...

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Me? I’m a bit … meh.

Until – it actually hits me that:

• losing 16.5% of starting weight is considered a BIG success in weight loss terms (5- 10% is considered enough to be significant for health)
• Instead of having blood pressure in the “OMG MEDICATION NOW!!” range ( I was on 16 mg candesartan a day) – my BP is now on the low side (110/70).
• The last blood tests I had done showed that I’m still getting fat OUT of my liver  – a huge benefit, and one that only comes from exercise…
• In the last year I’ve lost *deep breath* THIRTY CENTIMETRES OFF MY WAIST AND NINETEEN CENTIMETRES OFF MY HIPS.
• (for those  non-metric readers I’ll say that again: 12″ from the waist, 7.6″ from the hips.)
• I’m  (mostly) enjoying going to the gym now – I would have laughed if you’d predicted that a year ago.
• and let’s not forget that I had major surgery in  August last year – only  8 months ago.

Do I look like this?

DEFINITELY NOT!!

Do I want to? On my more irrational days I have moments of thinking I’d like to be THIS THIN (size 6? or smaller?)  just for a little while, just to see what it’s like… then reality hits me upside the head, reminding me that I am FAR too enamoured of pastries, banana muffins, and cheese for this to EVER happen.  Not to mention – there’s no MUSCLE on those skin and bones, is there?  Ewwww!!

(Please go read the excellent post that brought this picture to my attention, on Spring Girl’s blog, Healthy from 25 to 100)

(And here’s Mia’s take on the same photo)

Well, if not the super skinny model above, who DO I want to look like, as I lose weight and as I get fitter, leaner, stronger?  No one immediately springs to mind – I’m not aiming to look like Jennifer Anniston, or Madonna, or  whoever… I just want to NOT WOBBLE.  And yeah,  B-cup boobs would be ACE, thanks very much.  Nicely defined arms, and a tummy that didn’t embarrass me, yep.

Is that enough of a goal?

Sometimes.  Other times (like whenever I have to walk past a BAKERY) it takes more willpower than I have to remember that I might as well just smear those pastries on my tummy, not even bother eating them, because that’s exactly where they’ll end up.  And do you KNOW how long it takes on the treadmill to walk off the 292 calories in this?

HOURS. And HOURS.

(note: picture nicked online.  I don’t actually have one of those yummy scrummy custardy sultana-y cool pastries flakily awaiting me in the house. I haven’t bought one in at least a month…)

*sigh* I need something tattooed on my wrist to remind me of this, I swear.  Maybe just “REALLY?” would do it.  Or a small script version of “An instant on the lips…”

(And please don’t tell me not to walk past bakeries.  They’re insidious. Bloody things are everywhere, LURKING. Don’t even get me started on coffee shops…)

Ahem.  My rationality obviously left the building for a while there….

I missed Ki Max class on Friday – swelly belly struck me down yet again.  I’m hoping that it will settle down again and it’s NOT a return of the endometriosis – that would be very annoying.

But even when I miss classes, at least I’m still getting to the gym regularly.  Step class tomorrow – yay!

and now – boringly – I’m off back to bed.  Ciao!

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Both movies I’ve wanted to see for ages; both extremely chicky flicks; and, I just noticed – both starring Amy Adams, and I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything before – how odd!  I wanted “Miss Pettigrew” primarily for the ’40s fashions.  Which of course I adoooooore!

And “Enchanted” just looks like so much FUN!

In other news – my weight is DOWN this week (hooray!)  – I’m now 97 kg, and my blood pressure was 117/83.  Sometime in the next few visits I’ll get the dietician to take my measurements and do the Body Impedance Analysis thing that measures how much lean muscle mass and how much FAT there is now… I’m hoping, obviously, that the fat has decreased and the muscle has INCREASED!

It does annoy me though that the dietitians seem to be OBSESSED with “working at  65% of heart rate to lose fat”.  Uhhh – for a start, I don’t have a heart rate monitor, and there’s no way on earth I’m going to be able to stop and count my pulse while I’m exercising – it takes all my concentration to just keep going! And for another thing, surely ANY exercise will help? Yes, I might be “burning carbs instead of fat” but given that this time last year I hadn’t been inside a gym in 20 years – well, I think I’m doing ok getting there regularly.

And yesterday I did Bodystep – remember the disastrous first attempt at that, back in January? Well, this time, I DID NOT FALL OVER… and I managed the whole class  – although I did it at a much lower intensity than people like Sue, who have been doing it for a lot longer.  I’ll get there!

No matter what the scales read, I’m happier that I’m fitter than I used to be. SO THERE, scales! (No really, it’s hardly bothering me at all, WHY DO YOU EVEN ASK?!)

Meanwhile, do have a read of what I think of the latest Vogue patterns over on Sewing Queens…

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In other news: I’m really hoping to repeat last Monday’s effort and get to the super early Body Attack class in the morning.  Last week I ended up doing:

Monday: 1 hour Body Attack

Tuesday: 25 minutes cardio followed by one hour of Pilates

Wednesday: MIGRAINE

Thursday… ummmm – I can’t remember what I did Thursday! Oh, that’s right – still migraineous, and since it was show holiday the gym was only open in the morning, and I missed it.

Friday: Ki Max, one hour.

Saturday – ummmm … slobbed on the couch and slept!

Sunday – same again.  In my defence, it was (of course) the first Grand Prix of the year, and the only one where we get this much coverage – normally we’re lucky to see qualifying and the race.

So – not a good week.  And a really dreadful week food-wise too – I STILL have this GINORMOUS MENTAL BLOCK about recording what I’m eating.  A coupla days I did use the online food diary on Calorie King, but that’s not really working. But then, neither is my not writing stuff down!

ARRGGGGH!  WHAT is going on here? I feel simultaneously out of control and not WANTING to be controlled – What the …?

I KNOW what I have to do to lose the weight.  I KNOW IT!!!  I know I have to eat at regular times, and watch the calories, and make sure I’m getting the right balance of carbs and protein and everything else.  WHY CAN’T I DO IT?

This is not helped this evening by my enormously bloated tummy.  Whether it was something I ate today (I was bad – dates! pecans! almonds! curry with sultanas in it (again) for dinner!) or having a late afternoon sleep with my CPAP machine on I don’t know.  But it hurts.

Last time I weighed myself I was heavier than the week before.  Again, I KNOW that measurements on the scale are NOT the most important thing – but they can really de-rail me.   You can tell me ’til the cows come home that what matters is lean muscle mass, that getting stronger and losing inches are better indicators of how I’m doing… but none of that helps when I’m feeling blah.

BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Anyway, new week, new start: I will do better on recording what I eat.  I will get exercise on  more days this week. And I will go to bed right now! My gym gear is all ready to go, the alarms are set.. I just have to sleep.

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Never mind – rather than dwelling on the mistake, I took myself and my new cross trainers off to the gym this arvo.

Asics Gel 580-TR cross trainers

Did my 30 minutes of cardio stuff (Translation: panting on the treadmill while it makes whooshy up and down noises as it changes the gradient – so high tech!) and 30 or so minutes of upper body resistance training (Trans: Wobbly tuckshop lady arms struggling to lift teeny weeny weights).

Then home via the library (because as we all know, there is NOTHING TO READ in my house….) in time for Scrapheap Challenge.

Tomorrow I’ve got an Exciting Thing to do!  It involves the transformation from this old version of Caity….

Caity, June 2008

… into the new (slightly more slimline!) short haired blonde seen around here lately… with more make-up.  Think I’ll even ending up wearing the same top (although we might have to pin it back slightly!)

More on that tomorrow.  I’ve know about this for a week, and kinda wish that I had known longer in advance, because then I would have attempted the stupid unrealistic thing of “how much weight can I lose before THEN?”!

Uh – maybe not, eh?  I’m where I am NOW. That will do.

I mean, I’ve come a long way already in the weight loss/getting fit/getting healthy stuff… I’m just feeling frustrated at myself because I feel like the results aren’t happening quickly enough.  I know, it takes time, it takes training – but my inner toddler says “WANT IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!”

Fortunately my inner surly teen whiner (“what’s the use, this isn’t gonna work, you can’t make me do this ANYWAY”) is securely locked in her room and is not allowed out.

So I’ll keep going.  And going. and talk to my personal trainer after Pilates class tomorrow night about re-focussing and what I need to do next.

Time for a (lo-fat!) hot choc and a few pages before I zonk.  Night all!

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So as I was lying in bed this morning debating whether or not to get up (Caity’s Conscience: “But you missed gym yesterday!” Caity’s Rationalisation: “But I can’t train EVERY day…”) when my BFF texted me: “Shoe shopping after gym?”

WELL!! Caity’s Conscience and Caity’s Rationalisation both got a swift kick in the behind and out the door!  Once I got there I *was* just going to do my weights program…but I’ve been dancing around the idea of joining the Ki Max class (group class with lots of boxing and kicking, 4 people to a standing bag) and when one of the other newbies I’d spoken to recently was doing I thought – why not?

Another newbie for the class?!

IT WAS AWESOME!!  It really oughta be illegal to have that much fun while actually doing a good workout AND getting to smash the (imagined) anatomy of various people who have aroused my anger.

*side-strike side-strike back-hand* THAT’S for your pr0n collection, 2nd husband!

*jab jab hook* and THAT’S for your not processing my bank transfer in a timely matter, big bank!

*thingummy whose name I can’t remember but where you hit upwards  – body strike?* OOOMPH!  and TAKE THAT, rude checkout chicky babe!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. The release!!! The HIGH!!! The satisfaction!

I have never sweated so much in my entire life.  I had to stop and sit down a coupla times, but WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!  Of course, it helped that one of the gym owners was giving us three newbies our own little tutorials – how good is that service?

The only baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad thing was that because I did the class at the last minute, I had to use the old sweaty gloves that are kept in reserve … omg, the PONG!!!  So before next Friday I will do as everyone else does, and buy my own gloves.

I am amazed how far I’ve come in that last twelve months – I do need to be reminded (perhaps LOUDLY, dear readers!) of that.

Now I am taking my sore shoulders and abs for a nice soak in the bath.

(I'll probably NOT be wearing my ruby lipstick, though!)

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New (old) skirt

So remember a few posts back (before the blog was Hjørsejacked for the nano song) I mentioned I was reworking a skirt?  Here it is.

(As you can see, I still have quite a way to go on getting rid of the tummy *sigh*.  I think I’m doing SO well and then I see a photo of myself and get all discouraged.)

Mr Beloved says this is NOT the most flattering outfit, and he’s right; but at least I have a wearable skirt for a little while.  And the trim is so much fun!

Ribbons (mostly from the stash), some measuring tape (which may have belonged to my Nana – or someone else’s Nana, I do seem to get a lot of inherited craft bits and bobs!) that had suffered an unfortunate accident with a rotary cutter; and a flurry of tulle at the hem. (also unintentional but inevitable trim: small feathers from the cockatiels, cat fur, and poodle hairs.)

Anyway, I’m happy with it, it’s a fun skirt to wear, and even though I ended up pretty much remaking the darn thing from scratch, it was worth doing.  PLEASE tell me honestly what you think of the skirt!!

(if you’re interested, the review is here on Pattern Review)

Now if only the new Ottobre Woman magazine would come so I could make some other patterns up….

Meanwhile, I’m off the to the gym for Pilates class.  I went to the physiotherapist (again) today and he worked out that I have some residual nerve damage from my glorious ankle twist of mid January… also that I have long-standing issues with my C6-C7 neck joint which are in fact the cause of some of my wrist weakness and pain. Huh!  I also have ulna/radius joint weakness as well, so it’s lost more rehabilitation exercises for me and even more phsyiotherapist appointments… it never ends!!  Who knew that hyper-flexible joints were such a problem?

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Loralie Designs Colourful Manequins

And it was this skirt pattern, View A:

McCalls 5591

Seriously cute, yes?

But at the time I was still suffering badly from swelly belly (which I’m very glad to say has settled down considerably with a different HRT regime and the new-found love of gym) and so had to add an ENORMOUS amount of width to the front to compensate.

Now – I’m taking the width OUT again!  But since I didn’t want to remove top stitched angled pockets on the front of the skirt, nor did I want to make a centre seam, I’ve had to get a little creative.  Which has involved unpicking EVERYTHING except the front with attached pockets, and the side seams under those pockets.

My sweet wonderful friend Sue *mwah, sweetie!* gave me a book this week – out of the blue – and it’s so INSPIRING I have to jump about when I’m trying to tell anyone about it!

This is the book:

Forty Nine and a Half Sensational Skirts

(Aussie readers will find the same book under a different cover)

The artist is just … wow.  Talk about really exploring an idea!  Talk about your working in a series!!  So many pieces that share elements but are each unique -  love that!

This isn’t just me going off on a tangent – really!  – because one of the ideas Ms Willoughby explores in the book is cutting new seams in reclaimed (or new) skirts to add embellishments or other features.  That neatly solves my problem – I can make 2 new cuts in the front of the skirt (thereby making it look intentional from the start!) and reduce the width by the necessary amount without an ugly centre front seam.  AND I get to add more splashes of colour to the plain black body of the skirt, so it will look even better with that colourful border!  Très clever, très chic, oui?

Why now? Well, another friend is launching her new business on Friday night – and what better excuse to get this skirt finished than to wear it to a sewing teacher and designer’s party! I’m pretty sure I can get it done.  But not if I don’t get to bed NOW – got a gym class in the morning, then lunch with the girls…. eeek!  GOODNIGHT!!

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Ottobre Woman 2/2008

(Now I just have to grade it up *very* slightly, add seam allowances, tissue fit, choose which fabric to use, and actually sew it up)

• Did a VERY intense session with the psychologist, working with a technique that I have scoffed at previously but which today saw me burst into tears… I remember now why I don’t usually wear mascara to these sessions!
• Managed to eat and enjoy two hot cinnamon donuts even though buying three would have been better value – I only wanted two, so that’s all I had.  And they were GOOOOOD!
• Spent another couple of hours STILL trying to find these back issues of Ottobre Woman (so far without success, obviously, and it’s driving me NUTS)
• 

  Ottobre Woman 2/2007

  (And then I asked the Teabot5000 if he’d seen that cover and YES, he’d saved a magazine called Ottobre  in a box that he’d mentally marked “Important Textile Magazines KEEP THESE”!!! YES YES YES!!) So now I just have to locate the 2/2006 issue somewhere in our house/shed/combined clutter and I can stop obsessing:

  

  Ottobre Woman 2/2006

  Why were these suddenly VITAL, I hear you ask?  Well, because I am now so very very close to fitting into some of the patterns that I adored in these but which would have been just too hard (I told myself) to re-draft to fit my larger size. Now I don’t have to re-draft, just trace, add seam allowances, tissue fit, and sew!  I suspect only another delusional sewing nut would understand the difference, but trust me, it’s VERY motivating!)

• Watched the second auditions episode of So You Think You Can Dance – you all know I LOVELOVELOVE that show, right?
• Did I mention that part of all the work I’m doing with the psychologist is clearing out unhelpful attitudes?  And that part of this is examinning what’s really important in my life?  So a lot of PHYSICAL clutter is getting sorted through, too; and I decided that the hugely expensive machine embroidery component of my fancy schmancy sewing machine is something  I want to  – hmmm, conquer isn’t quite the right word – perhaps – feel confident about exploring?  Yes.  So I *eventually* located the necessary bits and pieces (software, dongle, serial to USB converters and so on) and – TA DA – reinstalled the software and started to learn the programs over again.  Woo, yes?
• Tomorrow: The physiotherapist.  And maybe some sewing.  And possibly a gym workout before those things.  So I must away to bed.

PS: Several LOVELY blogfriends have nominated for awards – I will get to them soon, thank you sweeties!

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